jokes

Place you favourite jokes in here...

Moderator: Staff

User avatar
Mervin
SWB Subscriber
Posts: 4719
Joined: Nov 18th, '05, 19:42
First Name: mervin
Location: near bideford

jokes

Post by Mervin »

Never be late !!

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 35 years in the parish.

A leading local figure and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.


However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

"Thank Goodness we Catholics have a wonderful sense of humor! I got my first impression of this parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set, and when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss's wife; had sex with his boss's 17year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave VD to his sister-in-law. I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things.


But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."


Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:


"I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."


Moral: Never, never be late!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Swampy has died of a heart attack, apparently they could have saved him but he refused a bypass

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.
• Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
• A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
• I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
• Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
• They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.
• I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
• I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
• When chemists die, they barium.
• I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
• Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
• I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
• Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
• Broken pencils are pointless.
• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
• All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
• Velcro - what a rip off!
• Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.
Being shot out of a cannon will always be better than being squeezed out of a tube. That is why God made fast motorcycles,
Hunter S Thompson